I am open to any and all advice im approaching the end of my road soon....

edited January 2012 in Personal Life Advice
Ok well for starters the only reason I am posting on this site is because im still working the insurance details out for an acctual therapist and I need some temporary advice/help now. I am 22 years old now and when I look in the mirrior I can even give the person staring back at me a name. I can not recall where this persons life has went or is going. I dropped out of high school my jr year technically I was still a sophmore but think god for no child left behind which only hurt me more than help. I dropped out after a furious confrontation of words with my vice princapal I left and never came back. My life in high school was alot of sleeping and day dreaming during class. I didnt have alot of freinds and girls were just out of the question. I used to get very angry then very sad sometimes I would act out by ordering porn on my parents tv to outstanding amouts like 300+ dollars. Which is something I forgot to mention, During my time through out school never being good socially ment I wasnt good with girls ethier so I stumbled upon porn in my youth as a result. After my drop out I did obtain my GED which came as a big surprise so things actually looked a bit better and I also got a job at wal mart in the photo lab. I also enrolled in community college. I stopped going to school after like the first week and then started messing up at work and there id go on a emotinal rollercoaster and there was know telling what the result would be. The result was me joining the marine corp and gettin out of my parents house they no longer really wanted me there. So I joined the marine corp and lived at my grandparents because my mom didnt think I was going to do it and didnt really want me around that much. But I did I started running everyday till I shipped off. I went to bootcamp which was a terrbile experince for me and I hated it but it felt like to me the last chance I had to prove anything good to my family so I pushed through it and graduated my mom was so proud as was I. Then I went on to my schools and off to my first duty station in Hawaii. Then as always I was not socially accepted I have never been one of the guys as much as I want to be. So I finally turned to drugs and found this crowd of people to accept me no matter what and these people became my new freinds in which they help unleash the evil I never knew was within. I started doing estacy and marjiuana everyday for atleast two months straight before we finally were caught by drug test. I then in turn went to the brig(military prison) for 3o days during my time there I ended up getting very sick after my 30 days were up I was not looking or feeling good at all. After going to the hospital I found out that I had leukima...and I fell immeadintly into one of the worst depressive/manic/psychotic state of mind possbile. Somehow I hid it from everyone how I really felt. At first I was optimistic about treatment and since I got sick I wasnt going to be discharged from the military so i was going to keep gettin paid and live at home and do all my treatments in my home state next to my family. But remeber I have bottled up how I really feel. Shortly after being home i started my first treatment then and everything was ok. After my first treatment which by the end I was ready to get out of that hospital I felt so couped up and being around others that are so sick jus made me feel worse. Anyways I decided to go to a party after I got out of the hospital just so I could feel a bit normal. At this party I decided to smoke weed again thats were I discovered weed helped with the anxiety of having cancer and also made me normal in the eyes of people around me. Then this led to chronic use of marjuanna aswell I picked up cocaine and also did some excasty but not being as widley availbile in my hometown as hawaii I mainly stuck to weed. There is so much to my story left to go. Reading over this post im also missing a few parts from my childhood. But that is beside the point im just really desperate for help adivce anything that you can give me from your understanding of this very rough and incomplete outline of me.

Comments

  • Sounds like you really need to talk to someone who can help you at a practical level, ie get on going help/support from a counsellor or similar. I went to one a while back in order to save my relationship as I had suffered with depression discreetly for a number of years... Although I didn't really want to initially, it really helped me and I think it sounds like you would benefit.
    Check out sites like: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Introduction.aspx
  • At work for some reason I cant access the page you linked to me. But I will continue to try. Thank you for actually responding I didnt know if anyone would actually would or not but im so desperate for help that something was better than nothing. Its been so hard but its my second whole day without using any sort of drugs/alchohol/porn we will see how it goes. I only wish to remain faithful and be able to provide and be a stable future husband. I got to get control im tired of being a slave to my vices. Iv already been to long winded in this comment box as it is. Ethier way thank you for your concern and reply. This only the beginning of a long road of recovery and struggle I know.
  • Weed can help with some anxiety, but it also causes paranoia. Especially chronic use can really affect your drive and ambition. I would suggest cutting down on the drug use. I realize it helps some, dont quit, just dont get high when you wake up, and stay stoned all day.
    Also, start drawing or painting. Even if youre not good at it, look up some abstract work and see what you can come up with. Im sure it will surprise you. Art as therapy has been very successful with all kinds of people. If youre truly at the end of the road, just try it. Being creative and exercising those parts of your brain can really change the way you think everyday.
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